"To Be" Adapting From An Injury

You are a star! For real. You are made up of star dust. However, we are indeed different. Our stories are unique and in this entry I will take you on a little journey through my healing process from a back injury. Perhaps you will relate to me, as back injuries are a pain in the bum (enter your own swear word about bums here).

It was a hot summer day at the Canmore Nordic Centre when I found myself sending off a mountain bike jump with full speed. Short story short, I woke up in the hospital from a legendary concussion I had moments earlier. The nurses guided me to an examination room where I was invited to stand up from a wheelchair to have a few x-ray scans. No bone issues to report. Though, it was in that moment that I first encountered severe pain in my back. I could not pin point where exactly I felt it but I do remember struggling to hold myself upright in a standing position. Once back in the wheelchair, they zoomed me over to a bed. On the way, I caught a glorious image of my face that glanced through a pane of glass. I was covered in dirt and scratches from the rocky surface I slid on during the crash. In time, most of my cuts were cleaned, my face got plenty of stitches and I was given tons of drugs to mend the pain.

My skin healed miraculously fast. It was nasty to watch my face change from raw to an antibiotic yellow pusy mess. I didn't leave bed much. I was cared for by my sister for about a week. I was miserable by day 4. I wanted to be better. To be back doing my regular thing - doing a lot. I tried making the best of my time by sleeping! Rest heals. During this time I coloured my anatomy pages for my yoga teacher training while watching episodes from Friends. If you go back far enough in my blog I have an entry about the state I was in. Here is a hint... "To Be Useless".

What a Drama Lama.

If I could go back to early August of 2018, I would want to say "your back will be healed up in no time" ...but I would be wrong. Two years later and a physio, multiple chiro, lots of massage, some osteo, and hours of yoga later... my back still suffers.

They say back injuries are complicated. They aren't wrong.

They say back injuries take long to heal. They aren't wrong.

I have some good news and bad news here,

Lets begin with bad news: My back will never "fully heal". I did not purely stress that area and cause muscle tension. My chiropractor speculates that I have sprained one of my lateral costotransverse ligaments that connects my spine to one of my back rib cages, on the right side. I know you were gonna guess that injury! You are smart. This is bad news because my ligament will never return to its original shape and function at its prime. So this issue is a lifelong journey.

Good news: I now know that this is going to be lifelong, so I can work with what I got! I can accept that my back is injured and let go of this need to rid all the pain. Rather, I am to strengthen my back muscles to compensate for the injured ligament. I was meant to be a rower!

In a few short seconds your life can change and mine so happened to be this way when I fell off my bike. This accident has not stopped me from riding. I will keep cruising and dancing with a moving spine. Our bodies are meant to move and movement heals our bodies. With that said, I have felt doubtful about getting better and can be uninspired to be active when the pain flares up. Someone out there always has it worse than you do and for that I am grateful for all that I can do amongst this injury. This revelation in knowing what is truly causing the pain and how to deal has shifted my perspective. I am learning to be gentle in my mind towards by body all the while still challenging myself by continuing to be an athlete! What what ;)

It is not just our bodies that break. Our hearts and minds can be hit with heavy changes and implications with life too. I feel for those who are suffering. It would be wild to ease the world from pain but all we can do is support ourselves and the people around us while we can. Being an advocate for your health both mind and body is essential. These past few years of young adulthood has risen my awareness of the impacts that repressing emotions and avoiding care can have on ones body. I read it in books and see it in others. I have been blown away by the book When The Body Says No by Gabor Mate who highlights the importance of addressing life's stresses to prevent illness and disease.

My back pain has sparked a light to guide me in the direction of action in betterment of myself. I took the intiative to heal. Many don't. I am writing to tell you that you can take small steps everyday to be the best that you can be. This life needs you in it and you need the best version of yourself to conqour it - even on the darkest of days.

There is a light in you. In all of us. We are all star dust.

Love,

Zoey Fern