"To Be" Without a Compass

Every single one of us is trying to navigate this new way of living, each day. With all the steps taken by us to keep everyone safe during this time of physical isolation, comes with the inevitable feeling of longing. I am missing my people. We are all missing our people.

I have been pouring my glass full of gratitude during these difficult times and encouraging myself to gain perspectives on other peoples situations however, I catch myself using "comparative suffering." This is a concept that Brene Brown mentions in her latest Podcast, Unlocking Us. We must be careful in our way of thinking that if we choose to disregard our own feelings of perhaps worry, stress, loneliness, fear, and concern during these uncertain times by stating that other people have it "worse than me" can cause additional burdens to ourselves. Brene brought light to the fact that if we show empathy to ourselves, it teaches others to do the same. So ya... I am feeling all those feelings and it has been tough. I continue to use perspective and offer gratitude to myself as there is so much to be grateful for at this time. My life is full of abundance and I always try to have a positive outlook on all things. Times are tough but so are we HuMaNs.

My gratitude list at the moment, in order of which they appear in my mind:

- My bed

- fridge of food

- the contact list on my phone

- employment

- new music

- time to reflect

- at home workouts

- solo walks down the streets of my neighbourhood

Solo walks down the streets of my neighbourhood.

I never made time for this before. To go for a walk with no destination in mind or time frame to go by. This experience has been very freeing. During my walks I have been listening to downloaded podcasts while admiring homes and discovering new streets. One sunny day last week quickly changed to breezy cool evenings but I felt the hot sun when it was beaming and have been acknowledging the cold chill on my face when returning home.Today, snow is falling and I have mixed feelings about it. I truthfully feel less inclined to go outside but the idea of coming home to hot chocolate and a warm bath is definitely on my radar. As an outdoor enthusiast living in the city, the thought of a walk to clear my mind and notice the trees is typically on my mind but I did not prioritize this. I was too consumed in going from point A to point B in my car to save time and be efficient. I always make great use of my days but I never allowed space for walking aimlessly around with no agenda. Prior to the pandemic outbreak, I created space for mindful relaxing moments to practice self care by practising yoga, meditating on my pillow, and reading books. I am proud of myself for that and based on the schedule that I have created for myself I do think I still make time for me to recharge. Now that we are in a few weeks of physical distancing, there has been so much time for us all. With still having a job, chunks of my time is allotted to be at work - so I have not experienced being isolated fully. I am insanely grateful to be working in essential services for I know that people near and far have fully lost their place of work. A great deal of their purpose really. I am so sorry.

As of late, I am taking some time off to monitor my health to ensure that I am healthy before going back to support the children that I care for. I am being proactive by staying safe at home but it has honestly caused me to feel anxious, worried, and confused. All I know is to work. To be at work, working, being a worker, and I am not at work today. I have not even lost my job and I feel this way. We are all going through something and experiencing it in our own weird ways.

In this life of uncertainty and lack of control, there are ways to take care of ourselves and ease this tension in our bodies and thoughts. This is a lifelong practice of acceptance and being present. Of trusting and creating. We all have passions and dreams. We can create them now with this time given to us. All those things you wanted to do, you can do them now. No you can't fly anywhere, host a gathering of some sort, or even discover our big parks. What is it that you can do though? What is it that you do not want to do? Maybe during this big change, we can begin to reevaluate how we want our days to look like. As a social butterfly I would be meeting up with so many girlfriends throughout the week and now with only chatting over the phone, I still have all this time to myself. What do I want to do with it? I want to have a meaningful life even if it is in the comfort of my home.

This is the time to dream. Dream big and wish for grand things.

I wish I wish upon a star,

That people are safe

That people are healing

That people are supported

That I will see my family soon

That eating my roomates baked bread and working out to youtube videos will keep my rocking bod looking rockin.

That dark days for us will become brighter

That the snow will F#$! off

Read this then close your eyes and imagine it.

You are sitting on a rock in a wild place unfamiliar. You have a map sprawled across your lap but you seem to have forgotten your compass. You do not know where your car is parked and you feel lost. You actually are lost. Dammit. So you panic obviously- your chest begins to tighten and your heart beats faster. You are alone as well. You look at the map and begin to orient yourself with the mountains. As you feel more confident on your relative place on the map, you notice a bird close by. As you admiring its chirp, the sun exposes itself from the clouds. Your body begins to warm and the valley turns brighter green. Your breath becomes slower and the corners of your mouth begins to curve. The sound of water is now being registered in your ears from the time you allowed for this stillness. As you become curious of a waterfall, you place your pack back on and follow the water. You have forgotten that you are lost and you are now following your heart. For hours you continue to meander across creek beds and along rolling hills. You notice wildlife as you pass by and the scent of pine filling your nostrils. Later in the day, you approach a sign. It is a map, with a nail placed into it, detailing that you are 1.5 km away from the trial head. You now have confirmation that you have found your way. You are near. Your body feels lighter, to know that you are safe and close to familiar territory (plus you ate all your snacks). The decision to follow the waterfall was a risky chance to embrace the curiousity of our hearts. Love is risky. Life is risky. We can give ourselves permission to take chances and create our own path with the map we have been given.

This is an impromptu mediation I created, inspired from a walk I had the other day. Please do not correlate that following water will actually bring you to your car when you are out in nature. It is not a guaranteed contingency plan. The water was a symbol of using your senses and following your heart during times of uncertainty. (PS. this pandemic is not an excuse to text your ex. aha I read this on Instagram today. When I mean follow your heart, in this context, I truly mean for us to listen to our hearts. Feel all the feels and allow them to guide you like a compass would).

This is all for now.

Zoey Fern xoxo.