They see me rolling but no one is hating.

Synonym of "rolling with it": Going with the flow.

3 weeks of no employment and no school. Did I mention no income? No schedule? NO PURPOSE. Oh am I ever grateful I have work starting tomorrow! I knew I had a position this entire time but I felt unsettled waiting, in the unknown = the abyss.

My people have been saying enjoy this time off. This transition is temporary, soak it in.

I want to say I can go with the flow during this shift in my life but it has been difficult to do so.

I wish I hiked everyday but I have not had the money to go on excursions. Rather, I took it slow and reflected on these past 4 years of adventures. I connected with friends, read books, watched shows, climbed a few walls, and ate some ice ceeaam.

Sounds nice ya?

It has been but everyday was difficult for me. Not having to be somewhere for someone or someplace. I have become habituated to serving; to doing. I had felt like I lost that these past few weeks. But that is silly, I did do things. Doing nothing is even something. Perhaps it was more so I felt inadequate because I was not making money in that time. I have worked so hard for so long because I had to, aha we all have to! I am the brokest of broke laytley which has not helped my spirits because I wish I spent my time "better" (*cough: working). .

No, no. I already take that back. Time was just more available to me and I am wrapping up a degree. I am doing the best I can! I am sure I am not alone in this - we are all our own worst critics.

So roll with it they say.

- You are short in cash for now, that is alright - there is an explanation. You've felt this before, you know what to do!

- You slept it, that is alright - your body must have needed it.

- You did not work today, that is alright- you will work soon!

- You didn't hang out with anyone, that is alright - you love being alone & you will be demanded of soon, soak it in.

I want to speak of other moments in my life where I just rolled with it. Looking back, there were times where I just trusted the timing, my ability, my energy.

- Attending Ecotourism and Outdoor Leadership school. (no outdoor background required = solid, I will learn, gonna roll with it).

- Finding a place off residence. (never lived away from school, don't know my roomates that well = solid, I'll try it, gonna roll with it).

- Sign up for Zumba and Yoga teacher training alone = solid, ROLLED WITH IT <3

- Every single outdoor trip/expedition (mountaineering, wilderness survival, winter travel, winter backcountry travel, mountain biking, backpacking, canoeing, climbing, xc skiing) aGaIn, no background... no previous experience. I am quite naturally athletic so I picked up most skills fairly quickly! I trusted my ability, I leaned on team mates = I rolled with it.

- Following up with that someone about how they are feeling about us (the talks that end things). Shake it off girl and roll with it.

- Feeling f*ck Yes or f*ck no about someone - honour that and roll with it. If they are awesome, hang out because you are awesome too.

- Every beginning of a new job. (first few weeks of finding your flow, where everything is, how to do that thing) Roll..roll..rolll!

- 10 seconds remaining in a circuit. (ya you are a sweaty mess and may pass out soon). Just. Roll. With. It. It is almost over! Break soon. Breaks over- 40 more seconds.

All of these experiences stemmed from nervousness and fear. The feeling of uncertainty and the unknown of the result. They were all risks. They were all healthy and shaped me for the better. I am grateful for placing myself in vulnerable situations for it has made me stronger, wiser and more patient.

P.S. Watch Brene Browns Netflix "Call to Courage"

That is all for now,

Zoey Fern