The thoughts in my head contradict each other and I find myself battling with this notion that I am not enough. I am baffled to admit this because I know this is inaccurate. I know that I am. There is a voice that tells me I am not; Who is she and why is she telling me false statements?

I want to journey back to when I discovered that I am enough. My entire childhood I was surrounded with love. I was told countless times of my positive spirit, ambition, and drive. I was never a troubled child or one to cause mayhem. I never sat in my room pondering the idea that I am not good enough. I don’t even recall thinking about me period. I just thought about things I cared about and did a lot of fun things. I worked a lot, studied, and worked-out. I filled my time with things that meant something to me and uplifted me. I even dated a guy for my entire high school experience and still involved myself in individual activities that equally challenged and inspired me. In summary, I did what I wanted and did not let the thoughts of others or negative thoughts draw me back in anyway. I was in fact, a free spirit.

Now, 23. Still young and fun! Yet, my brain has two people in it now (I didn’t think there was room – I am so smart). I still have the same thoughts of being ambitious and determined to make a difference and get involved with things I love! Then there is this other thought I have allowed to hang out in my brain… lets call her “fear” she makes me consider everything. “Zoey do you think that’s a good idea, what about last time you got hurt?” or this is a good one “ya but Zoey what do you think he/she is going to say or think?” this one I hate “Zoey you are inadequate, unlovable some would say.”

How and WHY do I think that? I have boosted myself up and never let people’s thoughts take over my own growing up but NOW I care? I care so much that I am limiting myself of my own potential. People are not holding me back it’s the thoughts I create in my head and the stories I make up that hold me back. I am tired of defining myself based on what has happened to me. Tired of symbolizing events or conversations to support this notion that I am not enough.

I am hurt not just by the hurt I have gone through or seen others go through, I am hurt by this new relationship I have with myself. Like any relationship, when its good it is real good. I love myself so much when I bring my body to a mat or I place earphones in my ears or when I walk in the woods. I love myself the most when I am alone but “fear” invites herself in and says “you cannot receive love from others”. Am like… this is silly because I have so many girlfriends that love me so much! I had professors who have pulled me aside to praise me for my involvement in class and co-workers who have shared their feeling of comfort with my presence. I have love and lots of it so why does my brain say otherwise?

My mother left me at 10 years old, and we have had a tremulous relationship ever since. (but she always tells me how much she loves me to this day).

I have had a terrible dating history (mind you I have turned them all into lessons and I am actually very grateful I have been able to learn about what I want and don’t want at a young age).

I was involved in a five-year relationship before I was 20 (I try to recall if that time was a part of this shift and in all honesty it wasn’t. It was not an ideal relationship, but I was never not valued or respected).

Every symbolic encounter I have had with a guy ended with them needing to “work on themselves” or that the “timing was not right” or that “I am wonderful, but they just need to be alone” or that they “do not feel the same connection”. – hey, this is rejection and it sucks, and I had to navigate how they felt based on the words they shared with me. What bothers me is that every guy had expressed to me how grateful they were to have met me and the things they learned from me was impactful and meaningful but that reservations were to be made. (SO I am awesome but… not enough?).

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate . Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure” – Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

My sister shared this with me in a book she read, and I didn’t really get it at first. How can one be powerful beyond measure and what does that have to do with being enough or not?

As a sensitive person who has so much love for the world, I find it difficult to watch people suffering. I want to help and be involved. I take things personally when I get rejected, thinking feelings of inadequacy because if I didn’t win someone over than I did something wrong. I force myself to gauge a bird’s eye view of these situations to acknowledge that it is not about me. I did not cause their suffering nor am I in the place to resolve it. I am who I am and if it purely comes down to someone not feeling the desire to proceed then that is not a reflection of me, it reflects that person’s desires and needs.

I am powerful beyond measure. I am a combination of my actions and surroundings and rather than wanting to rid this “fear”, I shall just acknowledge it. Everything I need I already have, it is in the organs of my body, the smile in my face, the supportive people in my life. Nature provides the rest. Nature holds space for me to purely be. Mountain biking and cross-country skiing aside, I don’t need to do or say anything to nature to be accepted or loved. Even knowing that tragedy happens in nature (earthquakes, forest fires, tornadoes, flash floods), it gives me a refreshing reminder that things that are hard for us are good for us.

It is now spring. A time for new beginnings and change. But darling it will rain, and it will storm and perhaps smoke. But it will still be beautiful. It will still be fluid. Life is continuous and all things heal with time. I can’t do everything, but I can sure try things and be average at it – dating, alpine skiing, fishing. I dabble in challenges because I am brave and want to grow. Each morning, at snack, during lunch, after dinner and before bed I will remind myself that I am enough. I am lovable. I am quirky and weird.

I can do hard things and so can you. You may have related to me just now or had triggered thoughts with the relationship with yourself. It is good to do so, we are always with ourselves so we should learn to live with ourselves. And be happy of course.

Happy, Happy, Happy.

Typed with love,

Zoey Fern. Xxx.