Tonight I took note of my phone not buzzing away like it usually does and two thoughts came to mind,

1. Why is this?.

2. Why, this is sure nice.

I have been noticing more than ever that every moment of my time gets filled up with busyness. Yet, I've been choosing to call a lot, check social media and go online dating. There is so much energy required for these activities and I actually noticed a pattern. I would open up these apps when I had a free moment or needed a "break." Being the last child in an small town had me fully comfortable with solitude, in fact, I preferred it. Nothing felt better than staying at home playing video games, making a nature craft, or running laps around town. I always did what I wanted and never felt the need to please anyone (just my sister, so I tried keeping my room clean and folded laundry). There is a point here, and it is that I am losing my deep relationship with being alone. In recent times, I have created beautiful friendships with so many incredible woman and been on a lot of dates with men that are mainly average at best. I find that most of my time has been spent keeping up my relationships with the people in my life, all the while attempting to find a special someone. That is a lot of time and effort I'd say. Then in moments when I am doing neither I feel like I am not doing "enough" or I get feelings of FOMO. I didn't like feeling this way so I have decided to change some behaviors to get back at being solid with solitude!

For one, I've let go of the pressure to "find someone" by deleting my dating apps. I get my time back - to spend with myself doing what I want. My sister offered me an insightful thought she had the other day saying make choices right now for yourself that your future self would be proud of you for.

I think that this is so powerful. For you, maybe that looks like reading, working out, or starting a company. What ever it is for me, I want to do all the things so that I have a wonderful life to look back on. Not an app or a Netflix show. Even if the "things" are staying at home to get organized, getting to bed earlier, prepping meals, hanging out with my cats? They don't have to be big things to feel like you are having a great life, just don't suffer in the process! As much as I advocate for dating apps as a means of meeting people and making connections, I think they are toxic. Having you hoping Mr. right is around the corner and devoting time wondering what if or what could be when RATHER. we could (I could) just be living my life! Maybe I can start taking my meals more seriously or start a new project! The things we can do in this life, I tell ya. Speaking of which... I just co-hosted ETOL Film Night with my friend Nikko the other evening. We MC'd an event of around 500 humans! That was a once in a life time opportunity which was a huge success.

Another change I have made is mostly a shift in thought. That thought is that from now on, I am assuming that I won't fall in love for years from now. Who knows if this is true but with this mindset, I again, can take the pressure off feeling the need to find somebody.

Side note: I am a fricken catch - I know that I will meet someone, maybe several gems down the road but I don't know when that will be and I refuse to go on the hunt when I could be living my best life!

Here is the thing with being single, as a women - I can speak on behalf of us - we can have very strong feelings about something and that can ebb and flow. For me, I have felt this way before (of not caring about dating) ... then a few weeks or month goes by then I am ready to hop on the train again... well, here is to hoping I stick with this mindset. I am fully aware that as human I am going to get feelings of wanting someone - well that's cool, I hope it passes and I still feel strongly that dating apps are not healthy.

Other behavior changes that do not involve the male species,

I want to cultivate a meditation practice to not only help me cement my thoughts above but to get more comfortable in quiet, still places. I want to train my brain again that it is more than okay to take things easy. I am currently a yoga teacher running a nature club where I encourage students to slow down - I myself need to practice what I preach. I am making it important to make time for myself by adding things to my day planner like, taking a yoga class, going for a walk and staying in to read. My lord I have a lot of school work to get done and this sounds wack but I intent to take my self care more seriously over the winter break (classic challenge to make all things happen over the winter holidays).

I feel the pressure to be everything all at once. In a way, I love that about me because it shows my determination and dedication. For the past month I have not been in contact with my mom and for most of this year I haven't been able to contact my brother. I often feel guilty for not acting on this, making more of an effort you could say. I want to be there for them even when I shouldn't or can't and that emotions comes from being family but I am recognizing the need to pull away from these relationships for they are not healthy for me nor serving me. In a less dramatic case, I have pulled away from social gatherings at times when I "wasn't feeling it" and felt huge guilt for not participating. The times that I didn't go out I was honoring myself, and have noted that if those people love me, they'll understand and respect my decision for not going!

We are the rulers of our own time and how we choose to feel. I want to make responsible choices for the best interest of myself without feelings of guilt, shame or even FOMO.

Care to join me?

Also, Thank you for reading my blogs. I am so supported on this earth <3

All the love,

Zoey Fern.