"To Be" Missing My Big Brother

Hey Kody,

I know you may never read this but I am wanting to send you all the love you need right now. I am missing you a ton and think about you every day. More then ever I am worried about you. It saddens me that I can't see you and that we are not in contact. If I was granted a wish, it would be that we got more time together. Our ten year age difference is a big gap and our distance apart makes me feel like you are more-sore somewhat of a friend. In all honesty, I often forget I have a brother. There was a time where you and I would call each other and check in. You'd tell me about how hard you were working and i'd fill you in with my schooling. Our last phone call in April was short, you were taking care of your kiddos and I could hear them in the background. The small ounce that I have gotten from you as a brother has been refreshing. I looked forward to seeing you at least once a year. Truthfully, I don't know if i'll ever see you again. And that sucks - I love you.

As a new adult, I struggle managing my thoughts towards you and defining a relationship that I want to have with you. I've grown to become a very compassionate mature human who has spent most of her life wondering why you continue to suffer. I will never know what it was like for you to go through all that you have, and I don't have to - but I want to be emphatic for you. Dad has taught me the importance of family and being connected, so I'll never not love you because you are forever my big bro. Everyone around us has mainly felt frustrated and angry with you but I cannot live in anger. I am not necessarily proud of you myself but I acknowledge your suffering as a addict and I promise everyone who is angry at you feels the same way. The world only wants what is best for you and I hope that one day you make deliberate actions to believe the same way of the world. Nothing is against you Kody, you just have to take care of yourself. If I could spend all my time teaching you yoga, I would. But I too have to take care of my own self. I want to help you but I don't know how. I can't send you money and I don't want to anymore. I can't see you because I don't know where you are. I can't call you because you don't have a phone. If and when we connect all I can do is send you my unconditional love. I hope that is enough <3. I think of you when it is cold, when I am hungry, when I am sending it on my mountain bike, and when I see our family. You deserved to be at thanksgiving dinner last weekend and it breaks my heart that I am missing these moments with you. This letter blog (which I don't think exists lol) is the first time I've taken to grief you. I try to avoid these thoughts because it is so sad; but it is reading week and I am taking the time for you - for me really. I am your younger sister and will always be a support for you. I've learned to accept that your fate is out of my control. Reach out to me when it feels right to do so.

Love,

Lil Zo

P.S,

Thank you for being my first role model by teaching me how to use my confidence to send it! I am motivated to move and bike from growing up watching you challenge yourself through movement. Always ready for an arm wrestle against you!

Small little library of phots...<3