(Zoey, 2017)

It is no easy task but mind you, it is wonderful.

I have began to notice, that the days I am overwhelmed are when I should reflect the most. Why am I feeling so stressed or uncertain? I argue that it is largely due to procrastination, spending too much time socializing, and not being prepared enough. So being me is a constant battle of representing my "free spirit" behavior of going out on whims and saying yes to every invitation verses representing my independent, hard-working, determined yet creative self. It is a battle. At times I have managed well, others... not so much. I am still learning about my self so this blog entry is intended for me to share thoughts, roles, and values that I currently have. (this may change - who knows what I will be exposed to and what kind of people, I may create relationships with, will act like). This exact message is why I am so skeptical of marriage. How can two people commit to each other forever? (what if one goes crazy? I won't stick around for that). Mind you... I am not sure what it feels like to be so madly, truly, and deeply in-love with someone - I've heard you wind up going crazy anyways :p.

What's it like to be me?

For 1. It is never a dull moment! I am exposed to so much everyday - friends, co-workers, homework, workouts, fooooood, tv, books, social media, phone calls, emails, workshops, training's, shopping, arens, cleaning, family time, rearranging my rooms, planning a trip, planning another training, getting another job.

"getting another job" Lets talk about that.

Man I have worked so many different jobs in the last few years! I started off as a:

1. Post office/movie rental staff in Irricana

2. Camp Leader in Irricana

3. Top babysitter in town

4. Dog walker (my business was Walking Paws - damn I am good)

5. Facial yoga teacher to elderly women - my age? 14? aha

6. Cashier at Cody Party Airdrie (Also made balloon bouquets = stressful)

7. Expo/hostess at Brewsters

8. Baker at co-op (that didn't last)

9. Soccer coach (that was volunteer but imma still include it for the learning experience)

10. Atmosphere

11. Manager at Karma Yoga

12. Summer Camp Leader

13. Mountain bike instructor

14. Cross country coach for youth

15. Kids yoga teacher

16. Soon to be running retreats

This doesn't include my other volunteer and club experience but I will let you know that being me is being occupied by work! I love working but I also depend on myself ...so work = food/shelter/transportation/gear/dq/makeup

In addition to work I have a lot of school and social priorities that take up the other major portions of my time!

...Leaving me with small doses of spare time. Here are my consistent dilemmas:

do I get my million other tasks done with these few hours?

do I take responsible actions like donate my clothes, organize my shelves, and pay off my parking tickets?

do I sweat it? dance in my room, bike the streets, hit up yoga, think about moving but don't?

do I look for cute boys in the neighborhood and easily convince them that I am a catch?

do I indulge in some nachos while I watch my current favourite show - that is so satisfying in the moment but keeping me up so late at night?

I am doing all of these things at some point during the week!

So far I have been covering what It is like being me physically but lets get emotional for like 5 seconds.

I am a combination of chill and a worrier. As contradicting as these two characteristics are known to be, I would rather be both than just one or the other. As a worrier I get sensitive of what others think, I catch myself wondering about the future too much, and I never feel like I can "take it easy" as such because I need to be responsible - for my own self care. As a chill person, I am always up for something new, I am open to ideas & others thoughts, I am non-judgmental, I am easily entertained and not picky. I love to relax as a chill person but as a worrier I partially fear relaxing because it means I am not doing "enough."

Feeling like I am a bit hard on myself haha but my brain feels this way! (or maybe just my heart? do I have a heart?)

Hearts. Lets talk about love.

Being me and what I perceive... well based on my past dating experiences and my current single experience I think that boys are a hot mess. (warning: some are not hot and others are too clean). lets dig deeper shall we? I say hot mess in particular because I feel like they are so up and down (are girls that way too? I need some male opinions on this one). Here are common themes I notice men mention:

- Not looking for a relationship

- Might be moving soon

- I need to work on myself

- ______________________ (they ghost)

- I am visiting from Australia

All of these conversations do not include me in the equation. I find that men around my age are mainly non-committal but also that they are in different stages of life then me. That is completely okay but it makes the wrong timing/not the right person for me. I also think that maturity has a lot to do with it. I am practically a 28 year old based on my behavior (not that I want kids ANY time soon - more so that I am smart and responsible).

So do I look for older men 28+? NO. My sister says I am not allowed to date anyone older than her (26). I am also not allowed to swear still. reminder, I am 22.

The solution is simple: I do not look! I keep doing my thing and if a guy finds me?... awesome (he must be awesome :p).

One more note about guys. What I struggle with most is that I am consistently told by so many women in my life that praise me and tell me that I will find someone special. But they equally want to "talk boys" and request updates; but my updates are that, not may guys have praised and shared their compassion for me the way the women in my life do. So sometimes I am at home thinking "why ain't any men telling me how awesome all these women are telling me I am?" Maybe it is because I am around such wonderful, friendly, and open women! Where as most men are shy and maybe feel that way but won't share - not initially at least.

Again, being Zoey is no easy task but it is wonderful.

Wonderful.

My heart is full in so many ways - how I treat myself, how I treat others, how I allow others to come into my life as a lesson (good/bad).

I truly love what I do. I love what I have become. I love those around me.

I can also be a hot mess but when I am one I must remind myself of how lucky, safe, and valued I am.

Being Zoey is such a joy because there is only one and there is no one else quite like her.

Best,

Zoey herself. xoxo.

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